Emotionally Healthy Spirituality

Over the past few years I’ve been spending an enormous amount of time working through a series of books and materials on emotionally healthy spirituality by Peter Scazzero. Pete is a pastor in Queens, NY who wrote these books and training resources out of his own journey of finding his christian faith an unhealthy mess of contradictions and dysfunction.

At one point his own wife approached him and said, “Pete, I’d be happier single than married to you. I’m getting off this roller coaster. I love you but I refuse to live this way anymore. I have waited… I have tried talking to you. You aren’t listening. I can’t change you. That is up to you. But I am getting on with my life.” She was resolute: “Oh, yes, by the way, the church you pastor? I quit. Your leadership isn’t worth following.”

He says at first, jokingly, besides wanting to murder his wife, he was embarrassed and ashamed because she had exposed his own nakedness. It was too much for his weak ego. Nonetheless, it was the most loving thing she could have done for him. She understood, but couldn’t articulate yet, that emotional health and spiritual maturity are inseparable. It is not possible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.

Pete continues with, “While I loved Jesus Christ and believed many truths about him, I was an emotional infant unwilling to look at my own immaturity. Geri’s leaving the church pushed me over the brink to look beneath the surface of my iceberg to depths that were, until this time, too frightening to consider. Pain has an amazing ability to open us to new truth and get us moving. I finally acknowledged the painful truth that huge areas of my life (or iceberg, if you prefer) remained untouched by Jesus Christ. My biblical knowledge, leadership position, seminary training, experience, and skills had not changed that embarrassing reality. I was engaged in what I now call emotionally unhealthy spirituality. I was the Senior Pastor of a church, but I longed to escape and join the ranks of church leavers.”  (Excerpts taken from the book ‘Emotionally Healthy Spirituality’)

Reading his own story I saw some incredible parallels in my own life and have been really working hard to process as I grow in maturity.
Here are Pete’s top ten symptoms indicating if someone is suffering from a bad case of emotionally unhealthy spirituality:

1. Using God to run from God

2. Ignoring the emotions of anger, sadness and fear

3. Dying to the wrong things

4. Denying the past’s impact on the present

5. Dividing our lives into sacred and secular

6. Doing for God instead of being with God

7. Spiritualizing away conflict

8. Covering over brokenness, weakness and failure

9. Living without limits

10. Judging other people’s spiritual journey

And here is a list of things he says Emotional Health would be concerned about:

1. Naming, recognizing, and managing our own feelings

2. Identifying with and having active compassion for others

3. Initiating and maintaining close and meaningful relationships

4. Breaking free from self destructive patterns

5. Being aware of how our past impacts our present

6. Developing the capacity to express our thoughts and feelings clearly, both verbally and nonverbally

7. Respecting and loving others without having to change them

8. Asking for what we need, want, or prefer clearly, directly, and respectfully

9. Accurately self-assessing our strengths, limits, and weaknesses and freely sharing them with others

10. Learning the capacity to resolve conflict maturely and negotiate solutions that consider perspectives of others

11. Distinguishing and appropriately expressing our sexuality and sensuality

12. Grieving well

Maybe you are already operating in a place of deep emotionally healthy spirituality. For me, its been a process of uncovering a lot of false truths and lies I’ve told myself, or inherited from my past, and confronting them head on. I continue to work on these every day, but its been a journey of self discovery and also a deepening spiritual journey.

I realize now that much of what I thought being a Christian meant was simply unhealthy attitudes and lifestyles I had inherited from others, and from my own dysfunctions. Discovering these truths has been earth shattering to say the least and digging deep and getting healthy continues to be the single greatest journey I’ve been on since my conversion.

If you would like to check out the book series and more resources please go to http://www.emotionallyhealthy.org

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It’s Time To Stop The Self Publishing Harrasment

I’m always amazed at the number of people who still make comments about authors who self publish as not being legit.  Or perhaps its authors themselves who will put their own material out with a secret fantasy of landing a huge book deal.  There are even highly successful authors that will still get mentioned as having self published their first book and then landed a deal, as though they were anointed or something.

To me, this is ridiculous. If for no other reason than simply look at YouTube.  No one watching a YouTube video thinks, ‘Wow, this is a great daily vlog, hopefully one day this guy will get picked up by a TV network so he can have a real career.”  The reason?  We’ve become completely conditioned to the idea of online video being a legitimate form of artistic expression especially as its launched the careers of thousands.  The artist or creator has total control over the outcome.  If its not well done or there are things we don’t like about it we either stop watching or we ignore that part of it because we like the rest of the material.

Whether its fan fiction sites, blogging, or the rise of ebooks self-publishing is here to stay.  Authors should stop feeling guilty for writing and putting out their own stuff.  A poorly designed cover, or bad grammar, are no longer deterrents to finding readers.  What people are interested in is an idea or point of view.  Authors who write and put out their own material should view themselves like YouTubers.

Write as best you can, with the resources you have available, and your audience will come.

You Have Permission To Fail

You have permission to fail. You are allowed to create art no one likes. You are allowed to build a business that goes bankrupt. You are allowed to fall in love and have your heart broken. If you spend your life running from potential failure you’ll never really be alive. Get out there and make a million mistakes. We’re all improvising and figuring this out as we go along so don’t be afraid to make a fool of yourself. Stay away from people who have never tried and failed. They typically go by the name of ‘expert’. They are liars and frauds.