Emotionally Healthy Spirituality

Over the past few years I’ve been spending an enormous amount of time working through a series of books and materials on emotionally healthy spirituality by Peter Scazzero. Pete is a pastor in Queens, NY who wrote these books and training resources out of his own journey of finding his christian faith an unhealthy mess of contradictions and dysfunction.

At one point his own wife approached him and said, “Pete, I’d be happier single than married to you. I’m getting off this roller coaster. I love you but I refuse to live this way anymore. I have waited… I have tried talking to you. You aren’t listening. I can’t change you. That is up to you. But I am getting on with my life.” She was resolute: “Oh, yes, by the way, the church you pastor? I quit. Your leadership isn’t worth following.”

He says at first, jokingly, besides wanting to murder his wife, he was embarrassed and ashamed because she had exposed his own nakedness. It was too much for his weak ego. Nonetheless, it was the most loving thing she could have done for him. She understood, but couldn’t articulate yet, that emotional health and spiritual maturity are inseparable. It is not possible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.

Pete continues with, “While I loved Jesus Christ and believed many truths about him, I was an emotional infant unwilling to look at my own immaturity. Geri’s leaving the church pushed me over the brink to look beneath the surface of my iceberg to depths that were, until this time, too frightening to consider. Pain has an amazing ability to open us to new truth and get us moving. I finally acknowledged the painful truth that huge areas of my life (or iceberg, if you prefer) remained untouched by Jesus Christ. My biblical knowledge, leadership position, seminary training, experience, and skills had not changed that embarrassing reality. I was engaged in what I now call emotionally unhealthy spirituality. I was the Senior Pastor of a church, but I longed to escape and join the ranks of church leavers.”  (Excerpts taken from the book ‘Emotionally Healthy Spirituality’)

Reading his own story I saw some incredible parallels in my own life and have been really working hard to process as I grow in maturity.
Here are Pete’s top ten symptoms indicating if someone is suffering from a bad case of emotionally unhealthy spirituality:

1. Using God to run from God

2. Ignoring the emotions of anger, sadness and fear

3. Dying to the wrong things

4. Denying the past’s impact on the present

5. Dividing our lives into sacred and secular

6. Doing for God instead of being with God

7. Spiritualizing away conflict

8. Covering over brokenness, weakness and failure

9. Living without limits

10. Judging other people’s spiritual journey

And here is a list of things he says Emotional Health would be concerned about:

1. Naming, recognizing, and managing our own feelings

2. Identifying with and having active compassion for others

3. Initiating and maintaining close and meaningful relationships

4. Breaking free from self destructive patterns

5. Being aware of how our past impacts our present

6. Developing the capacity to express our thoughts and feelings clearly, both verbally and nonverbally

7. Respecting and loving others without having to change them

8. Asking for what we need, want, or prefer clearly, directly, and respectfully

9. Accurately self-assessing our strengths, limits, and weaknesses and freely sharing them with others

10. Learning the capacity to resolve conflict maturely and negotiate solutions that consider perspectives of others

11. Distinguishing and appropriately expressing our sexuality and sensuality

12. Grieving well

Maybe you are already operating in a place of deep emotionally healthy spirituality. For me, its been a process of uncovering a lot of false truths and lies I’ve told myself, or inherited from my past, and confronting them head on. I continue to work on these every day, but its been a journey of self discovery and also a deepening spiritual journey.

I realize now that much of what I thought being a Christian meant was simply unhealthy attitudes and lifestyles I had inherited from others, and from my own dysfunctions. Discovering these truths has been earth shattering to say the least and digging deep and getting healthy continues to be the single greatest journey I’ve been on since my conversion.

If you would like to check out the book series and more resources please go to http://www.emotionallyhealthy.org


How Do I Reinvent My Life?

Ever have moments where you feel like you’ve changed or outgrown your friends, place you live, or job? Maybe the clothes you wear no longer feel like a reflection of you and you’re beginning to wonder about making a fresh start. It’s possible you’re needing to reinvent your life. In this episode we discuss asking the right question to help you on that journey.

How To Develop More Empathy For Strangers

I’m an introvert.  Small talk and cocktail parties are not really my thing.  In fact, for a long time just being in a crowd of people would be mentally and emotionally exhausting.  I would usually want to finish up the conversation and then run into my office or a side room and hide out so I could recharge.  I almost always felt guilty especially as someone who worked in ministry positions at churches or in politics because people have high expectations of leaders and how they spend their time with the crowds.  I wanted to care about so and so’s story about the gout but I just couldn’t spend two hours listening to that over and over from so many people… you think I’m kidding, but this is church life.

The hardest part was when I was in a space where I was writing or thinking or working on something and someone would interrupt.  When I’m in the flow of deep work there’s nothing more frustrating than being distracted.  Coming out of that zen like meditative work flow is jarring to my system.  Many times, unless you’re on fire, my interest level in your crisis is going to be minimal at best.  If you’re on fire, don’t be surprised if I simply hand you a fire extinguisher and let you handle the problem yourself as I get back to my book.

All that being said, one of the things I noticed years ago was that after I went through a deep personal financial crisis (one of many in my life) when I came out of that and was running one of our businesses I had developed incredible sympathy for folks who were struggling financially themselves.  I knew firsthand how painful it was and how debilitating it could feel as a parent and provider for your family.  Sympathy is a pretty normal response for most of us after we’ve gone through a season of pain.  Empathy though, the ability to appreciate someone’s situation even though we don’t have first hand experience with it, is something else entirely.

After one of my own self evaluation periods that I occasionally go through I realized I needed to work on my own ability to be more empathetic.  To appreciate the journey other people are on.  To ‘walk in another man’s shoes’ so to speak.  As someone who could sympathize with your financial hurt it made it much easier for me to sit with people as they told me their stories.  I didn’t find myself as exhausted as before and seemed to actually have more energy because I had an opportunity not necessarily to help but to give them an emotional shoulder to vent their hurts on.  It was life changing.  I realized if I could become more empathetic, not just sympathetic, it didn’t matter if someone was telling me the story of their gout flareup, my own reaction to it would be more life giving instead of life draining.

In order to do this I came up with my own exercise which was to Imagine Everyone I Met Was A Member of My Family.  This sounds silly but it was actually really life changing.  Even if you aren’t particularly close to your family we all love the idea of family and what it means. Seeing the cashier at Starbucks as my cousin, or the old lady on the side of the road as my grandma, or the grumpy mechanic at the shop as my crazy uncle Larry (you get the idea), was like a mind meld.  I found myself looking at strangers completely different.  I don’t have a particularly high ‘feeling’ side (on the MBTI scale) but by looking at people this way I found myself wanting to give hugs, to encourage, to throw an arm around someone’s shoulder and sit and listen to their stories for as long as they wanted.  I mean, this was my aunt working behind the counter and I know how hard she works trying to put food on the table for her family.  She messed up my order and is wasting my time?  That’s okay.  She’s family.  I haven’t seen her in years.  She’s a little crazy but… she’s family.

You get the idea.

Like I said earlier, regardless of how you feel towards your own family I challenge you to try this.  When you’re at the store or walking down the street start looking at people and tell yourself, ‘that’s my mom, that’s my aunt, there’s my grandpa’  I promise it’ll change the way you see the world.  Are there bad people out there?  Yeah.  And those bad people are someone’s son, daughter, brother etc.  When you see strangers as family members it’ll make you more empathetic to the journey each of takes and cause you to have a new appreciation for the struggle of life.  Empathy among strangers is one of the greatest skill sets human beings can develop.  See the world as your family and you’ll begin to realize that one of our biggest challenges as a society is that we simply need more love from one another.

I’m still an introvert.  That hasn’t changed.  But what developing empathy has taught me is how to be an even better listener and to genuinely take an interest in the people around me.  I’m fascinated by stories and struggle and life.  As someone who spends a lot of time reading and writing stories the best skill I can have is empathy for my characters (whether good or bad) and the people around me in my day to day.  This is why so many artists tend to fight for causes that a lot of other people find disturbing.  Empathy teaches you there is no such thing as black and white.  Empathy lives in the gray. Picking sides and an ‘us vs. them’ mentality is not empathy its narrow-mindedness.  Good art forces us to be more empathetic.

Being more empathetic is being a good human being.