Emotionally Healthy Spirituality

Over the past few years I’ve been spending an enormous amount of time working through a series of books and materials on emotionally healthy spirituality by Peter Scazzero. Pete is a pastor in Queens, NY who wrote these books and training resources out of his own journey of finding his christian faith an unhealthy mess of contradictions and dysfunction.

At one point his own wife approached him and said, “Pete, I’d be happier single than married to you. I’m getting off this roller coaster. I love you but I refuse to live this way anymore. I have waited… I have tried talking to you. You aren’t listening. I can’t change you. That is up to you. But I am getting on with my life.” She was resolute: “Oh, yes, by the way, the church you pastor? I quit. Your leadership isn’t worth following.”

He says at first, jokingly, besides wanting to murder his wife, he was embarrassed and ashamed because she had exposed his own nakedness. It was too much for his weak ego. Nonetheless, it was the most loving thing she could have done for him. She understood, but couldn’t articulate yet, that emotional health and spiritual maturity are inseparable. It is not possible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.

Pete continues with, “While I loved Jesus Christ and believed many truths about him, I was an emotional infant unwilling to look at my own immaturity. Geri’s leaving the church pushed me over the brink to look beneath the surface of my iceberg to depths that were, until this time, too frightening to consider. Pain has an amazing ability to open us to new truth and get us moving. I finally acknowledged the painful truth that huge areas of my life (or iceberg, if you prefer) remained untouched by Jesus Christ. My biblical knowledge, leadership position, seminary training, experience, and skills had not changed that embarrassing reality. I was engaged in what I now call emotionally unhealthy spirituality. I was the Senior Pastor of a church, but I longed to escape and join the ranks of church leavers.”  (Excerpts taken from the book ‘Emotionally Healthy Spirituality’)

Reading his own story I saw some incredible parallels in my own life and have been really working hard to process as I grow in maturity.
Here are Pete’s top ten symptoms indicating if someone is suffering from a bad case of emotionally unhealthy spirituality:

1. Using God to run from God

2. Ignoring the emotions of anger, sadness and fear

3. Dying to the wrong things

4. Denying the past’s impact on the present

5. Dividing our lives into sacred and secular

6. Doing for God instead of being with God

7. Spiritualizing away conflict

8. Covering over brokenness, weakness and failure

9. Living without limits

10. Judging other people’s spiritual journey

And here is a list of things he says Emotional Health would be concerned about:

1. Naming, recognizing, and managing our own feelings

2. Identifying with and having active compassion for others

3. Initiating and maintaining close and meaningful relationships

4. Breaking free from self destructive patterns

5. Being aware of how our past impacts our present

6. Developing the capacity to express our thoughts and feelings clearly, both verbally and nonverbally

7. Respecting and loving others without having to change them

8. Asking for what we need, want, or prefer clearly, directly, and respectfully

9. Accurately self-assessing our strengths, limits, and weaknesses and freely sharing them with others

10. Learning the capacity to resolve conflict maturely and negotiate solutions that consider perspectives of others

11. Distinguishing and appropriately expressing our sexuality and sensuality

12. Grieving well

Maybe you are already operating in a place of deep emotionally healthy spirituality. For me, its been a process of uncovering a lot of false truths and lies I’ve told myself, or inherited from my past, and confronting them head on. I continue to work on these every day, but its been a journey of self discovery and also a deepening spiritual journey.

I realize now that much of what I thought being a Christian meant was simply unhealthy attitudes and lifestyles I had inherited from others, and from my own dysfunctions. Discovering these truths has been earth shattering to say the least and digging deep and getting healthy continues to be the single greatest journey I’ve been on since my conversion.

If you would like to check out the book series and more resources please go to http://www.emotionallyhealthy.org


Stop Doing and Start Being

Do more!

Hustle Harder!

He who works the hardest wins!

We live in a world obssessed with work. Work is great. Doing things is healthy, in a way, but being consumed with winning and competition is pointless and not healthy at all. So you make a ton of money or you achieve your goal to travel the world? So what? It doesnt make you any better than anyone else. There’s no first place ribbons given out at death that you take with you into the afterlife.

Now, don’t misunderstand me. I’m NOT saying don’t have goals and dreams or don’t be competitive. This isn’t about handing everyone a trophy. I’m talking about focus. If your legacy was simply about how much you aquired, or how hard you worked compared to others, you’ve achieved nothing of value.


One time I interviewed for a part time job at a crematorium. I was going to be picking up the dead bodies at the hospital and other places and bringing them back to be cremated. I met with the owner. We talked about the job but I also asked him what lessons he had learned about life by owning a place like this.

He had two answers.

1) Everybody dies with a ‘todo’ list left unfinished.

2) We spend an incredible amount of money to help keep someone alive for a few extra months but what’s the point? They eventually die and now the family is deeply in debt. There’s no reason for it in the long run. Everyone dies and all that money and effort for a few extra hours was for naught.

That meeting had a profound impact on me.

Everyday I push myself to ‘do’ things. When I have a day where I’m not productive I feel like it was a wasted day. Why? Because we’ve been programmed that way. Society loves to get us to work harder and be more efficient because that’s how people make money. Like I said earlier, work is great and there’s joy and value in it, but just ‘being’ is something that we should actually celebrate more.  We need to know that our value comes from God and what He thinks of us, not what people think, and He thinks you’re pretty amazing.

Are you breathing? Are you healthy? Are there people who love you? Do you love them?

So what if you don’t write your masterpiece today? So what if you don’t work a 100 hours this week on your business? What if you don’t complete that ToDo list?

You still die one day and one of three things will happen:

1) You and your work will eventually be forgotten.

2) Maybe you’ll be famous and someone else will come along and write your biography but you’ll have no control over what they say.

3) Someone will take the business, art, or project you worked on; and run it into the ground, destroy it, or use it in a way you would never have wanted.

And there’s nothing you can do about any of it.

I see all these posts online about hustling and winning and all that matters in life is getting to the end with your dreams realized and I think, so what? So you worked hard? You’re still gonna die like the rest of us. We all have the same grave size. You didn’t actually win anything. Whatever trophies you win in life eventually find their way into the garbage when you die.

I do love to achieve things. I get it, I really do. I love working hard, and reaching a goal or crossing things off my to do list, but no one ever gets to tie their life up in a nice little bow at the end and hand it over. Life will be taken from you. You’ll have your todo list one day and it’ll still be there, unfinished, when you die the next day, and no one will pick it up for you and finish it. It will have no value except that it consumed your life. Have a todo list to help keep your life on track but don’t let it become your life. Working all the time and ignoring your health or family are short term sacrifices that sometimes have to be made.  But when was the last time you sacrificed your work for your health or your family?  Almost no one believes that work is the most important thing in our life and yet we treat it as it is.  As though our work defines us.

I know a lot of pastors and religious leaders who believe the work they do is so important that they are willing to sacrifice their health and families in order to pursue this great calling.  They see the sacrifice of Jesus and how He had no one with Him when He died and they believe unless their life reflects that they have not given enough.  The problem with that idea is its not healthy at all.  There’s only one Messiah, and you are not Him. Jesus gave up everything so you would be able to know true health.  Physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.  Everything He lost when He died He eventually regained. Remember, the people He went to visit after His resurrection were His friends and family that had deserted Him. He went back to them to comfort them and let them know they were still loved.  He wasn’t mad at them and still saw potential in them. If you believe that not having friends or healthy relationships is a sign of your commitment to the cause you might need to take another look at what you’re serving and building.


If you wake up today and decide to eat an extra piece of bacon or swim by the pool instead of working on that business or project why does it matter? So what if someone else beats you? Who came up with the lie that life is a competition? Why do we think there’s a finite amount of resources out there we all have to fight over? There’s more than enough to go around.

Should you get up early and go for your dreams and all that? Sure. It makes life fun. But please don’t beat yourself up for not working the hardest or that you decided to enjoy the moment and watch TV with your kids while someone else only sees theirs a few hours a week because they were too busy ‘hustling’.

In the end, you can’t take memories with you either. So if you never made it to Paris like you wanted or you never had children or never started that business relax.

The way to not live with regret is definitely to get out and do things. But in the end there’s no point in hustling so hard that you miss out on life. It goes by in a blink. Don’t regret THAT. Don’t beat yourself up for sleeping in or hanging with friends while others are working at the office. Go sit by a pond or have coffee with a friend. There’s no competition for enjoying the moment.

Don’t be afraid to simply be.

There’s a lot of hustle porn out there. Its garbage.

Make your art. Build your business. Start a family. Love your neighbors. Those are all great things but life is unpredictable.

Sometimes your art is terrible. Your business fails. You can’t get pregnant. Your neighbors hate you. It doesn’t mean anything. Its just life. Sometimes you procrastinate when others are working. So what? They don’t get a prize. They don’t win anything and you’re not a loser. Sometimes procrastination can be a good thing. Listen to your body. Find your own rhythm.

If you’re life is all about climbing the next mountain top eventually you run out of mountains. If you’re life is about being in the moment there’s an endless supply just waiting to be discovered. If the hustle brings you joy then that’s great. But if it doesn’t then that’s great too.

Do what you can to enjoy today. It might be all you have and whether you ‘do’ anything or not you still get to ‘be’ and that should be celebrated. You exist. You lived.

Human life is one of the greatest miracles in the universe. Simply existing is the greatest mathematical phenomenon ever. We are all contributors to a larger story and there are no small parts. Even if your life is quiet and simple and quickly forgotten once you pass on, you still matter.

Enjoy the music. Enjoy the sunsets. Enjoy the laughter. Enjoy the food. Enjoy your friends and family.

Life is like a morning mist. Here for a brief time and then evaporating through our fingers. Stop trying to hold on by doing. Enjoy the wonder of the moment by being present in the mist and let go.

How Do I Reinvent My Life?

Ever have moments where you feel like you’ve changed or outgrown your friends, place you live, or job? Maybe the clothes you wear no longer feel like a reflection of you and you’re beginning to wonder about making a fresh start. It’s possible you’re needing to reinvent your life. In this episode we discuss asking the right question to help you on that journey.

Mental Toughness

What does it mean to be mentality tough? Is it really that important? Wouldn’t it make more sense to encourage someone to be loving or caring or peaceful etc?

Those attributes are all great, but mental toughness is about endurance. Its about going the distance and lasting till the end. Its about dealing with adversity, and knowing who you are and being comfortable in your own skin. You can be the most loving person in the world but if you aren’t mentally tough you’ll most likely self destruct when the haters show up. And they always do.


I was not raised to be mentally tough. That’s no criticism of my parents its just that while most students were involved in sports (where mental toughness is more often a focus) I was drawing or playing music or working in my laboratory in the basement. There were never any discussions about ‘drop and give me another twenty pushups!’ Or ‘finish what you started’. It was, oh man, I’m all out of crimson red to finish the sky in my painting so I think I’ll go cry. Or, someone said something really critical of me and my codependency issues and wanting them to like me made me want to find a corner somewhere and cry. Starting to see a pattern here?

It wasn’t until recently when I discovered some great books and teaching on mental toughness. I can see now how so much pain in my life was caused by not being able to mentally handle tough things.

Being overly sensitive to criticism. Lack of discipline or follow through. Plagued with thoughts of fear. Lack of focus.

All of these issues arise from a lack of mental toughness. People who are strong mentally are able to handle the pressure, rejection, criticism, etc because they’ve conditioned their mind to handle it. Its not like things don’t impact them but they know how to stand when the fight comes at them.

Being in shape isn’t about lifting weights in the gym, its about lifting weights in the gym so you’re in shape when you leave. You have to put the work in so you’re ready when adversity and stress comes whether mentally or physically.


Years ago I was employed by a company where I asked tasked with leading someone who didn’t want to be led. She had been at the company for decades and I was just another new guy hired to oversee her. She had seen guys like me come and go so there was no interest on her part in doing things the way I needed her to do them. We clashed from almost day one. I tried everything but I was immature as a leader and unable to bridge the divide.

Eventually, we were both called into a leadership meeting with the board who wanted to help find a workable solution. About five minutes into the discussion I began to cry. Not ‘Gilmore Girls reunion movie’  tears, but like ‘death in the family’ tears. Everyone was stunned. They all gathered round and tried to calm me down.

I eventually left and went into my office to pull myself together and I sat under my desk and wept like a baby. The pressure of all that conflict between myself and this person had been building up over time and I finally let it out. In a very public way.

I lacked mental toughness. I also lacked emotional health and the ability to understand my inner dialogue, or lack thereof. I’ve since learned how to recognize the signs so that I don’t let things build up like that.

Mental toughness is key to managing complicated relationships. You have to know who you are, who the other person sees when they look at you, and not let their false impression become your identity.
Mental toughness is also key to success because it will help you embrace challenges and problems others would run to avoid.



I’m a firm believer that unless you are intentional its hard to make anything a permanent habit or life change. There are countless books and videos that discuss the topic of mental toughness. There are great coaches and teachers discussing this issue all over the internet. Watch them. Every day. Make it a goal to listen to something about this topic several times a week for a year. You’ll be amazed at how, in a very short time, you view the world and handle conflict.


Just like any muscle in your body, mental toughness takes deliberate daily work. You have to look back at situations you have been through and reevaluate them through this new lens you’ve acquired. How could you have handled things different? What situations are you in now where you feel anxiety and fear? How should you respond? Instead of worrying about where you are and how far you have to go take it a day at a time. Learn to rest in the daily decisions and choices you make and look for opportunities to practice your new skills.


As silly as this sounds a huge part of implementing this into your life is to simply address situations with “I got this” or “I’m a little freaked out right now but I’m going to do it.” When a coworker says something that riles you up, telling yourself, “okay, no problem, I’ll work through this” has a dramatic impact on your life. I can’t explain how important it is. I think it must rewire the brain or something because when you actually talk to yourself and say things like “I’ll get through this” or “this isn’t that big of a deal, I can do it”, you start believing it. When you start believing it you start living it. There’s tremendous power in our words and when we talk to ourselves in this way we start to realize just what we are capable. Problems, tough relationships, difficult jobs, are no longer things we run from but challenges we know we can handle.


As you can see, being mentally tough takes practice and consistency. Its a muscle that needs worked on. Deliberate focused attention will reap incredible rewards as you find yourself running towards your problems instead of away from them and handling all the chaos that life has to offer.

Ep. 11 “Do I Have To Choose One Thing To Do With My Life?” – Part 1

We live in a world that is constantly telling us that we need to specialize and focus on one thing in order to achieve success. This is great advice for most people but for lots of artists and polymaths this is very stifling. Is it true and should we simply follow traditional wisdom and pick one thing and get really good at it? Or is there a way to be true to ourselves and enjoy the wide variety of our interests and passions and redefine success from being about money and influence to being about creativity and doing what we love?


The Future of Work Is Laboratory Thinking Not A Factory Mindset

One of my first jobs out of high school was working in an aluminum factory for two weeks as a temp worker. It was a good job but definitely not for me. Now, I’m sure Mike Rowe will want to smack me in the head because there’s nothing wrong with a job like that but my temperament and personality are not well suited for working in a factory. I’m an entrepreneur. I would rather work for myself and go bankrupt than stay in the same place for forty years. Lucky me, I’ve done just that. I’m a go-getter you know.
Factories were the primary way the industrial age built America. They served a purpose. It raised up a generation of workers to perform like robots until the technology could catch up and actually replace people with machines. Those jobs are never coming back. Yes there are lots of jobs that have gone overseas for cheaper labor but just wait until those jobs disappear with affordable robots. No labor law violation. No one will complain about Apple building an iPhone in China when China uses robots and a new iPhone costs $200 instead of $1,000. We love our stuff. No president can bring those jobs back to America. If they show up, robots will replace humans from working there. Necessity is the mother of invention. You don’t have to like it but get over it. There’s nothing you can do to change it.

College is nothing more than a place to brainwash people into becoming good employees. It doesn’t want people who think out of the box. The problem is that the people who will control the future are those who will blow the boxes to pieces.

In a customizable future why would I need to buy a yellow rubber duck from Indonesia, even if its cheap? I can just print one at home for pennies and make it the exact size and color I want.

Why would I need to work for a company as a robot, cranking out spreadsheets or designing products that no one needs? Machines will be able to do that and I’ll be out of a job anyway.

So how will people work in the future?

Its likely that more unemployment and layoffs will continue to happen as markets change and people lose jobs to cheaper production methods.

However, its likely the future will be created (not maintained) by those who work in laboratory settings. I don’t mean a literal laboratory but the laboratory mentality.

What’s the difference between a laboratory and a factory way of thinking? Both are focused on output. Both want results. The difference is that factories are designed to turn employees into robots who simply crank out more product as efficiently as possible. Whereas laboratories are empowered to employ scientists and scientists try new things. They are willing to fail. They customize their resources to produce the results they need.

What is interesting to me is that if you go back to the beginning stages of the Industrial Revolution and look at the geniuses who founded these industries they almost always started in a laboratory. The products and inventions that kicked off great advances in different fields were started by tinkerers who had an idea for a light bulb or telephone or automobile.

The creation of these new industries didn’t come from factories but from laboratories. Factories came about as a way to develop the invention on mass scale but creativity didn’t come from the assembly line. It didn’t come from a 9-5 manager sitting in a corner office. It came from someone who was playing. Who had the freedom to explore and try things.

As artists and makers of things we should be finding ways to bring the laboratory mentality back into our work. This is the future.

Uncertainty. Unpredictability. Home based businesses where people create their own products and services to sell. Working with split schedules or all nighters and then sleeping the next day. Whatever it takes to make great stuff. The exciting thing that Edison, Ford and others never had is the ability to scale their ideas to a global market. They were stuck with the resources and methods of their day. We have the ability to sell to everyone.

Laboratories are messy. Explosions happen. Its a place of experimentation. It isn’t structured and orderly. Its unpredictable and a little crazy. You need to learn to thrive in the unpredictable and crazy. If you can allow life to take on the traits of a laboratory and a place where there are no rules or expectations you’ll be able to invent your own future. You need to have a hypothesis about something (life, career etc) and chase it down and experiment. If what you do doesn’t work it doesn’t mean you’re a failure it means your experiment failed. The conditions or whatever weren’t right. So, regroup and try again.

Those who create the future are those who think and live this way. The factory mindset is for robots who have no idea what life is all about. There will be people who will not be able to drop that way of thinking. They will eventually find themselves unemployed. Don’t fall into that trap thinking and working that way.

Develop a life that runs like a laboratory and watch a new and exciting future emerge where you least expect.

Ep.10 How To Identify People’s Talents

VL Podcast Logo Wide






If you are a manager or leader it’s inevitable that at some point, you’ll need to evaluate and assess people’s skills and talents. What is the best way to do that? Is it about aptitude? Is it about intelligence or resumes? In this episode Jennifer and I discuss one of the easiest ways to spot and identify a person’s talents so you can help them function in a place where they thrive.